Thursday, March 31, 2011

THE PAIN GOES ON

This may seem a rather negative essay for this blog--however, it is meant only as a deterrent to anyone who may be in a depressed  and /or helpless state of mind.  I know few who have not at one time or another in life experienced this particular vulnerability.  I myself have been on both sides of this fence, therefore am able to have empathy for both.  I have suffered through the pain of loss, guilt, what if's, anger, self-loathing, and all of the degrading epithets we place upon ourselves and the loved ones who were unable to withstand whatever illnesses, obstacles, or seemingly impossible onuses life deemed to have placed upon them.


Not long ago I was tuned into the Oprah Show.  I watched as a saddened Marie Osmond related the story of her son Michaels death by his own hand.  I was reminded of a piece of poetry I wrote on this subject several years ago after the death of a loved one's relative.  Every stroke of my pen brought back the horrific feelings that I had to endure upon hearing that my mother had taken her life at the young age of forty-five.  I am a survivor--she was not.  I will not go into why she was not, because that is her story.  Suffice it to say I'm not so sure I could have survived it either.  However, I will say that because of my own grief it kept me from ever doing anything to cause that same grief to my own family no matter how tough the going became.


For anyone out there having a difficult time, know that tomorrow is another day, and help is simply a prayer away.     


The name of my poetry is:  THE PAIN GOES ON--because it does!


                                THE PAIN GOES ON


Suicide is devastating! It tears asunder 
the heart, and rips it until nothing is left except fragments, that continue to haunt like bits and pieces of abstract painting on an artist's canvas.


Explosions of color signifying anger, guilt,
resentment and pain brush across stark white 
void, writhing in wild configurations until--
frustration totally spent--the brush of memory
moves on.


When motion ceases, words appear.
"Why did you leave me?"  
"You didn't love me."
"You're selfish."  


The brush of memory having temporarily purged the pain and frustration, creates new words on yet another stark white canvas.


"I'm sorry!"
"forgive me?"
"I forgive you."
"I'll always love you!"


These fragments are tucked away, and brought out only rarely.  As time goes by, love has replaced anger and resentment--however, 
THE PAIN GOES ON!