1. "Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'."
2. "Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my home. I live in Los Angeles, so I already have bars on the windows."
3. "I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. If they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator."
4. "My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for until I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, 'Married!' and then walk away.
5. "Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes."
6. "Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' --It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve."
7. "You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say 'I don't know.' It costs 90 cents to call up and vote they're voting 'I don't know'. He says, 'Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into the phone) 'I DON'T KNOW!' (Hangs up looking proud.) Tells his wife, 'Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about.' This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, 'I'm not in the mood'."
8. "My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday."
9. "Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive phone messages on someone's answering machine? You have two new messages: Beep: 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: 'Share the love.' Beep: 'Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love'."
10. "Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
Hmmm...I guess we'd better find another street to listen in on!
God Bless! See you next time!!