MORE PUNS & FUN STUFF

Puns

QUESTIONS: 

1...What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations?

2...Where does a penguin keep his money?

3...What's the difference between one yard and two yards?

4...Which building has the most stories?

5...What kind of pool can't you swim in?

6...Why did the pony have to stay after school?

ANSWERS:

1...Tinsilitis!

2...In a snowbank!

3...A fence!

4...A library!

5...A car pool!

6...For horsing around!


OTHER FUNNY STUFF

Have you seen the new "God Speaks Billboards?"   They are simple black boards with white text.

God says:

Tell the kids I love them!

Let's meet at my house on Sunday!

C'mon over and bring the kids!

What part of Thou shalt Not...didn't you understand?

We need to talk!

Keep using my name in vain...I'll make rush hour longer!

Loved the wedding...now invite me to the marriage!

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing...I meant it!

I love you, and you, and you, and....

Will the road you're on get to my place?

Follow me!

Big bang theory?...You've got to be kidding!!!

My way is the highway!

Need directions?

You think it's hot here?

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test!

Do you have any idea where you're going?

(Best one of all.) Don't make me come down there!

This came from my sister Leanne way back in 2002. I was writing a Family Newsletter at the time.


Here is some more funny God stuff sent by Kathleen Cross in 2002. Same Newsletter.

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. :)

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve, and...the first thing he said was..."Don't."

"Don't what." Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" God said.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so." God replied. (Wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God as our first parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know." said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in this story.  If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising  children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the  aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

A FEW ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS!...

CHILDREN: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Mother's of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than yours

We childproofed our home three years ago, but they're still getting in. LOL

Remember, these are jokes. Do not go bonkers on us. (God speaking.) :):):)

GOD BLESS!!  SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!

ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

ON MY WAY OUT

Good morning world! 

It is another gorgeous day in Santa Monica. I am waiting for my daughter to pick me up to go shopping.

I have this idea to pick up items at the $Store like soap, toothpaste,brushes, some snacky stuff, etc. and put them in plastic bags to give to my homeless friends, like maybe once a month.

God has been good to me. I like to "Pay it Forward."

Tomorrow  am starting my first Qi Gong class. That's pronounced "Chee Gong."  

On the 14th is my first ever acupuncture for back pain. I have "osteoporosis."   

Have been doing "Chair Yoga."   Am also going to try Ballroom dancing.   Need to get my legs to work, so  need all the help I can get.  

Am shooting for Mon.,Wed., & Fri. Tuesdays, Thursdays, evenings and weekends are for writing my blogs, and working on my book.

While I'm waiting for my family to come I'll share one of my little "tidbits" with you.

I used to send out actual greeting cards. The following are words that I created for one of my friends on his birthday: It's called "Break a leg." In theater language it means, "Good Luck."

McDonald's says, "You deserve a break today."

If you were an actor, I would tell you to, "Break a leg."

If you were a clumsy skier, I might say, "How'd you break your leg?"

If you were from the IRS, I'd plead, "Give me a break."

If you were my enemy, I could say, "I'll break your neck!"

If you were a peacemaker I'd suggest, "Let's break bread together."

You may not be any of the above, but it is your birthday, so I say, "Go break a record for the greatest birthday celebration ever!" HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Hey! Yesterday was  my nephew Brad's BD, so Brad Adams, this is for you!

Everybody else, have a very Happy Day!

GOD BLESS!!  SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!

OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

I started my day early. Stopped by to chat with my friend Chance, then went to Mickey D's for lunch, after that I ambled on to the Wise & Healthy Aging Services where I had been invited along with a bunch of us elders to a Halloween party

The party was okay, but nothing to write home about.  They had some cookies,  potato chips, and punch, all of the things that most of  us shouldn't be eating.  Unfortunately, I succumbed to some cookies  and potato chips, while watching the ladies get up and dance to the oldie but goodies. 

If my legs worked better I might have joined them.  I did what I usually do...I chair danced.
After the dancing, Mario, our young host called everyone who was in costume up to the front. We applauded the best three. One for the best girl, one for the best guy,(there was only one guy), and one for best overall.

As soon as the party was over, I walked down to Ocean Boulevard, and sat on a bench in the sun. Actually I dozed off.  It was one of the most beautifully clear, sunny days I have seen since I moved here. There was not a cloud in the sky.

I saw Superman, Wonder-woman,Spider Man, and Bat Man.  I also recognized a few little angels, as well as a big one or two. Some guy went by with a box on his head, I never could figure out what he was supposed to be.  Oh, and there was The Cat in the Hat. Just about any Halloween character one could see, I think I saw that day. 

I worked my way up the path along the park until I came to Ocean and Wilshire Blvd. I went up Wilshire until I came to CKP (California Pizza Kitchen), and had my favorite cup  of Split Pea soup.  The nicest part of that treat, was that when I went to pay the bill, the young man who had served me had told me that he was new. He said, "I'ts alright ma-am, you're good to go. He paid for my dinner. I'm glad that I had at least left him a tip.

If any of you have ever had a cup of soup at CKP, you know that it is more like a bowl. the first time I had soup there and asked for a cup, I thought the waitress had made a mistake. I said to her, "Miss, I asked for a cup."  she said, "That is a cup ma-am."  We both laughed, and I asked, "How big is a bowl then?"  She laughed again, and said, "BIG."

After I left the restaurant, I stopped at Whole foods and picked up some items I needed.  All-in-all, I had a great day.

That was yesterday, Halloween.  Today is the first day of November and it has been another very beautiful  day in Santa Monica. I am so blessed!

I will have to leave you with the funniest story that I had heard yesterday. After I got home and turned on my computer, I went on to Facebook. One of my FB friends told us that Her husband had dressed their dog up for Halloween, and she hadn't come home from work yet.  She said, that as soon as she arrived home, she opened the door, and screamed.  She was so frightened that she literally s---her pants (her words). The dog was dressed up like a giant Tarantula.  I don't blame her for being scared.  She showed a picture of the dog in costume. I would have probably had the same reaction. It was one of the most clever costumes I've seen in a long time. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

GOD BLESS!!  SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!

CALL ME MAYBE

Often times people who have phones or cell phones enjoy having ringtones or leaving messages. The following are a few I wrote several years ago and  ran across them recently. They are just for fun:

1.  Business:  Hello.  Please don't hang up.  I apologize for not being at my desk at the moment. I do sincerely want to talk to you.  At the tone, leave your name, number, time of call and a message telling me how I may be of service.  Thank you for your patience.

2.  Humor:  Yeah...it's me.  Well, it's also not me.  You guessed it...you got the machine again.  But hey...don't hang up on me... I really want to hear why you called.  Unfortunately you either got me in the shower, taking out the trash, bringing in the mail, or...worse yet...asleep! Oh, and I could just be out! So...when you hear the tone, tell me who you are, when and where to call you, and I will...as soon as I : Dry off, wash my hands, scan the mail, wake up or  return...whichever comes first.

3.  Romantic:  Hey baby...I can't talk to you right now, because I'm lighting the candles, turning the lights down low, plumping the pillows, or slipping into something more comfortable...just for you.  So, when you hear the tone, why don't you whisper your name, and number in my ear and I promise I'll call you whenever I have everything ready. Love you sugar!

You have my permission to use them if you like...or not!

GOD BLESS!!  SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!

JOKES & STUFF & PUNS & FUN

As I hugged my little granddaughter one day, 
she looked at me and said, 
" Grandma...Why do you have so many cracks in your face?

My little daughter was about five or six, when one morning 
she saw me running my comb under the hot water.
 "Are you paralyzing your comb Mommy?"
I laughed, "No honey, you mean sterilizing."
She said, "Oh yeah, I forgot...Paralyze,
that's where Adam and Eve lived."

A little boy says to his mother, "But Mom, I can't go to my room,
I can't get the door open."

I said: "Two silkworms were in a race."
She said: "What was the results?"
I said: " A tie."

Some kids were playing outside when a lady came by
with her cute little dog. The kids began petting the dog,
except for one little girl. 
The lady said, "It's okay honey, you can pet peanuts."
"I can't the little girl said, "I'm allergic to peanuts."

Question & Answers:

Q: Why did the witch need a computer?
A: To do a spell check!

Q: What do you do when you cross poison Ivy with a 
      four leaf clover?
A: A rash of good luck!

Q: How does a barber do his work so fast?
A: With short-cuts!

Q: Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
A: They're so wrapped up in themselves!

Q: What kind of soap does a judge use?
A: Trial size!

Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!

Q: Why can't a leopard hide?
A: Because he's always spotted!

Q: When is a car not a car?
A: When it turns into a driveway!

Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one!

Q: What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?
A: Frostbite!

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic!

Q: How do you know when Santa's in the room?
A: You see his presents!

Q: How do you turn me off?
A: Change the channel!


GOD BLESS!!  SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!

OLYMPIC NOSTAGIA

I thought this would be a good time to resurrect
this tribute to one of our finest basket ball teams,
as they won the gold medal in Barcelona Spain. 
Looking forward to the 2014 Olympics in China.


1980 DREAM TEAM

America's Dream Team it would seem,
Was on it's way to glory,
A driving machine that had been
The nation's headline story.

There was Charles Barkley who had the key
To open up the door.
And Larry Bird  was the word,
As he sailed across the floor.

Drexler "The Glide"  known as Clyde,
Would shine in Spain, Oh my!
Patrick Ewing he'd be a shoe in,
On that we could rely,

Ervin Johnson's "Magic" was most tragic,
To all those other guys,
While Michael Jordan rose against them,
As he reached towards the skies.

Christian Laetner, there was none greater,
When he leaped from hoop to hoop,
He and Karl Malone,  would not be alone,
They'd knock the whole world for a loop.

Christopher Mullen was never dull when,
He put his all into the sport,
Along with Scottie Pippin, always rippin'
Up and down the court.

David Robinson, another great one,
Could "slam 'n' Jam" with the rest,
We's see John Stockton try to reach Mach 1,
As he played ball with the best.

With coach John Daley we would see,
These guys were bad and bold,
Our Team USA would never sway,
THEY DID BRING HOME THE GOLD!


(I wrote this during the 1980 Olympics,
It was written in the present tense for that
time, I revised it to read in the past tense, 
and made a few other little changes.)

GOD BLESS!!  SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!

DRINKING FROM MY SAUCER

I was going through old papers and stories and ran across this little bit of poetry. It isn't mine, but I can relate to it. (Anonymous)

I've never made a fortune
and it's probably too late now,
But I don't worry about that much,
I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

Haven't got a lot of riches,
And sometimes the going's tough,
But I've got loving ones around me,
And that makes me rich enough.

GOD BLESS!!  SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!